I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT...

I believe that happiness is the art of living, the purpose of our existence. It is THE true index of the quality of one’s life. Without it life is dry and meaningless…So going from day to day watching Noel sink into his frustration about him not being able to provide for himself hurts me. I understand how he feels; he is living in a country that is not his (he is from St. Vincent and the Grenadines) which means that employment here for him is not easy @ all. So that means his bills and other things pretty much falls on me…and where that doesn’t bother me @ all, it sure does bother him. Being an independent person, it takes A LOT to accept that life has you in a place where you have to depend on others. I just see it as the give and take of life…But through all of this I’ve come to realize that as long as Noel isn’t able to contribute he will NOT be happy here.

I could make a million dollars a second and that still wouldn’t matter to him! There have been a few good things that came way recently: wining an essay competition about HIV/AIDS, being asked to apply for a permanent position @ my temporary government job, being told that the boss of another job I’ve been after wants to meet with me when he comes to Nassau (I will blog about these later). Noel says he is happy for me, but since he is not given these chances, I feel like he doesn’t fully appreciate them…I wish that he would realize that these things aren’t just for me, but for US!

I know that we are different and I have taught myself that happiness means that I am FREE from expectations and I want nothing from anyone. I have taught myself how to see the optimistic side of things NO matter how high the cards are stacked against me. I would be lying if I said that I wish Noel wasn’t a little more like me. It hurts to know that I can’t make him see that THE largest influence in our relationship is the unspoken dynamics that occur beneath the surface of our conscious awareness. He is SO distracted and since he got back from his internship,I felt like I’ve been waiting for the light to come back in his eyes.

There are times when I wonder if he regrets his decision to be with me because things are not to his liking…I LOVE that he is driven just like me, but him burying himself with what he does not have, he is unable to take stock of what is going on around him. Every so often I ask him to tell me that he knows that we will get to Canada by year’s end and he can’t even say it. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I am from another planet or something because I am calm as I move from day to day and I can see us in Canada this time next year playing in the snow…

So I will stand in the gap and carry the happiness for both of us. I understand that we are @ different levels of consciousness and though we chose to walk down life’s road together, I have NO problems carrying him on my back until he is strong enough to walk on his own. After all we have chosen certain lessons and made agreements to be who we are in the unfolding of this world’s understanding before we incarnated in this lifetime. So my job is LOVE him with EVERYTHING that I am and allow him to be…Though we live in a world of duality, which helps us to experience the material plane, he knows that we don’t need to experience extremes to understand them…I JUST CAN’T SHAKE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT…

A MOTHER'S STRENGTH...

From I was a little boy; my mother has been my hero. There was NOTHING she couldn’t do and with her being both my mother AND father, there wasn’t anything she didn’t do. She was always strong and hard-working. She did her best to provide for both my sister and I, we had tons of toys, food to eat and MORE than enough clothes to wear. My mother struggled and it wasn’t until I became an adult I understood what her $150.00 dollar a week salary did for us. When I think back to the money I spent because I knew she would give me more, I squirm a little because if knew then what I know now…I vowed every day since then to do whatever I could to make my mother’s life better. It took me a long time to understand that I cannot do that until I can make mine better.

Now my mother just got herself a job after many years of being unemployed. I guess she was just tired because it isn’t like she couldn’t work; it just seemed to me like she didn’t. I am proud that she got herself back out there, but EVERYTIME I think about her new job I cringe. She is NOT doing anything illegal; she like me was recently employed within the Government’s Temporary Job Program. My mother is more on the domestic side with cooking and taking care of home being her specialty…so I know that the ONLY job she could find would be in the custodial arena. Now that does NOT bother me @ all…an honest living is an honest living. However, what does bother me is the way others view persons that perform this type of job; and yesterday @ my grandfather’s funeral, my thoughts about this subject were proven.

As we were leaving the grave site, my mother, sister and I were talking about work and stuff. They both asked me if I had the day off and I told them that I did. My sister told me that she had a few days off, and I told her that I was extended that courtesy and my mother chimed in saying that she wasn’t. She was told that she wasn’t there long enough to get more than a day off from work to grieve for her father. Now maybe it is JUST me over thinking things, but her revealing that to us hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the question came to me, could I have been right about her employment.

To think of my mother working her fingers to the bone, doing what she can to get by BOTHERS THE F&CK OUT OF ME! This brought me back to the times when I thought about accepting the various advances of men (both single and married) that wanted to make me their kept trophy. I knew within myself that I could NEVER do that, but the thought of doing it to make her life better was ALWAYS on my mind. SO many times I wished I wasn’t me, because then I could do it without a care in the world. Why did my mother have to bring me up thinking that it is better to have your own? Why did she had to show me that what you work hard for is yours and NO one can take it away from you?

I know what I am here for and I know what I am supposed to do. I hope that as the sun rises each day and I get closer to my goals…I ONLY pray that the Lord keeps her around long enough to enjoy life the way I see it for her…

REST IN PEACE CHARLES WASHINGTON CAREY

Today we buried my grandfather on would have been is 75th birthday. The service was nice and it was interesting looking around @ my family all in one place @ the same time. I felt like an alien, like I didn’t come from them…but what is strange about how I felt is that it didn’t bother me @ all!

It was interesting seeing my uncle looking all sad like he was about to shed a tear. I guess all the years of hating his father made him feel like shit. I know my grandfather was a horrible role model, a bad father and not to mention grandfather; and I would LOVE to say that he did the best he knew how, but that would be LIE! He didn’t do the best he knew how and that was best he knew how…make sense?

As I listened to the pastor of his church talked about how dedicated he was to the church, I wondered who was she talking about? Then I realized she was right…he didn’t devout his time and energy on his family and he religiously attend church. As I thought more about him, I realized that my grandfather was a proud man and I ALWAYS wondered what he had to be proud about? His walk, the way he would introduce us to his friends…the way he did his own thing despite getting on EVERYONE’S nerves…

Nonetheless, I did clue into one of the questions I have about death @ his funeral. You see I ALWAYS wondered why we make such a big deal about people dying? I mean it is natural part of life…the process that we ALL must go through. But today I understood that not being able to see a person anymore leaves an empty feeling inside of you, one that will heal in time, but leave a scar in the process. So if the dream I had about him last night is any indication about how he is doing, I AM SURE HE IS DOING VERY WELL…That smile that he gave me as I approached him made me recognize that he was who he was and he did EXACTLY what he was suppose to do on this earth…So as he rest in peace, I would like to tell him THANK YOU for making me push myself beyond where he reached…After all isn’t that what the generations that come after is suppose to do?

¿WHO WOULD YOU GIVE IT UP TO?

¿A CHICK WITH A D!CK?

¿OR?

¿LESBIAN WITH A STRAP ON?

BETWEEN KNOWLEDGE & BELIEF: GOD & ME…

I have been asked on more than one occasion what belief in God is. I know that my weekly entries that bash religion left a few out there confused about whether I belief in God or not; and while some see my views about religion as blasphemous, (which is MORE than fine with me btw), I cant help but smile @ the notion that people believe that you can’t believe in a God without religion. Whether God existed or not wasn’t paramount to me, I just found it interesting how folks either embrace OR shun his/her existence. And while I understand both points of view, I am MORE than happy to plant myself FIRMLY BETWEEN KNOWLEDGE & BELIEF where God is concerned.

Since I was a little boy, I ALWAYS thought about how GREAT it would be to grow up and stare religion down. If God existed, the way in which mortals serve him with their wobbly altar that is RIDDLED with words that most put humans down, the collect plate that is @ a rakish angle on the table AND DON’T GET STARTED ON THE TALKING IN TONGUES & CATCHING THE HOLY SPIRIT, would any God seriously mix with this type of worshipers? They are what I call THE DEVOUT, LEVEL 1 of the belief system. They equate their religion to God and NO doubt that they are correct. Their mantra is, I BELIEVE EVERYTHING I’VE EVER BEEN TOLD & I AM NOT GOING TO QUESTION IT! I feel that they just need to re-evaluate who OR what they believe AND what he/she expects of them.

Then you have me that’s smack comfortably in the middle. I would consider me to be a LEVEL 2, THE SPIRITUAL BUT PARTIALLY AGNOSTIC PERSON. I am that persons having some doubts and believes that EVERYTHING ISN’T QUITE RIGHT WITH EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN TOLD & THOUGH I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT, I AM GOING STAY IN THE MIDDLE FOR NOW. I know this may seem like the coward’s way out, but MY belief is a mind over matter type of situation…I am NOT won over based solely on the cold hard facts nor am I the type who has yet to allow any doubts to even enter his consciousness.

And finally you have the persons that the persons that believe it is BRUTAL to be trained to sit quietly and listen to sermons about a God that does NOT exist. So being a logical man, I can see their point. However I am NOT TOTALLY sold. I get where they are coming from, but I can’t base my beliefs on things that I can feel, touch and/or taste alone. I need more than a BIG BANG THEORY. Though I would argue more for this side, I wouldn’t necessarily throw the persons from level 1 under the church bus. This group is what I refer to as LEVEL 3, THE ATHEIST. They NO doubt that God is pure speculation, myth and superstition. Their mantra is, I FOUND THE COURAGE TO QUESTION THE VERY ROOTS OF THE BELIEF SYSTEM, & FOUND IT TO BE INCORRECT…SO I REPLACED IT WITH A BETTER ONE! They leave NO room for shades of gray in between the levels.

So given all of this, the subject of God will continue to leave us feeling muddled and unfocused, unsure of which way to turn; and being humans we feel like if we can’t see where we’re going or where we’ve come from, we might run into something that will destroy us. I believe that THE best choice for me is to NOT wait for things to become clear, but to keep myself grounded in between knowledge AND belief.

A NEW DAY HAS COME

"A New Day Has Come" is the lead single from Céline Dion's comeback album A New Day Has Come, released on March 11, 2002. The song was written by Aldo Nova and Stephan Moccio and produced by Walter Afanasieff and Nova as a piano-driven ballad. However, the midtempo radio remix co-produced by Ric Wake was released as the lead track. Both versions are included on the album.^[1]The "A New Day Has Come" music video was directed by Dave Meyers and premiered in March 2002.

"A New Day Has Come" was very successful around the world. On the U.S. Hot Adult Contemporary Tracks, the song broke the record for most weeks at number 1: it stayed on top twenty-one weeks. The previous record holders were Phil Collins' "You'll Be in My Heart" and Céline Dion's own "Because You Loved Me," both of which lasted nineteen weeks at number 1. However, as of today, the record has been surpassed, as "Drift Away" by Uncle Kracker featuring Dobie Gray remained twenty-eight weeks at number 1 in 2004. Ironically, it was Céline Dion who almost took the crown from "Drift Away," but "Have You Ever Been in Love" stopped at number 2 for fourteen weeks, which is another record. In the U.S., the single appeared on the Billboard Hot 100 because of airplay only, reaching number 22 (also number 22 on the Billboard Hot 100 Airplay).

The DVD single was released four months later in the U.S., peaking at number 11 on the Top Music Video and number 16 on the Hot 100 Singles Sales. It has sold 45,000 copies and was certified gold. "A New Day Has Come" CD single was also certified gold in Australia (35,000), Greece (30,000) and Norway (10,000). In the United Kingdom it has sold 110,000 copies.

I thought this song was MORE than appropriate for the energy we are taking with us into this new decade. The willingness to lift our thoughts above our challenges and focus on optimism and hope for the future attracts greater levels of abundance into our lives. I hope that we all can consciously dismiss thoughts of worry and stress and call more prosperous energy into EVERYTHING we say and do. With each positive thought, we can continue to tip the balance of the scales so that they lean further and further toward true prosperity and abundance. SO HERE’S TO A BETTER NEW YOU AS YOU EXPAND YOURSELF WITH THE THINGS THIS YEAR OFFERS!

¡HAVE A MERRY 2010!

Everybody's life experience gives them a prescription set of eyeglasses that filters how they process experiences in life. And I find that the BEST way to properly have a MERRY NEW YEAR is by first initiating an internal revolution. By learning to change one's self will successfully empower the individual to effectively handle any challenge life can bring…

…IN 2010 CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

Mend a quarrel.

Seek out a forgotten friend.

Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.

Share some treasure.

Give a soft answer.

Encourage a co-worker.

Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.

Keep a promise.

Find the time.

Fore-go a grudge.

  Forgive an enemy.

Listen.

Apologize if you were wrong.

Try to understand.

Examine your demands on others.

Think first of someone else.

Appreciate others.

Be kind; be gentle.

Laugh a little.

Laugh a little more.

  Build confidence.

Take up arms against malice.

Decry complacency.

Express your gratitude.

Seek spirituality.

Welcome a stranger.

  Gladden the heart of a child.

  Take pleasure in the wonder and beauty of the earth.

  Speak your love.

Speak it again.

Speak it still once more.

 2010 GIFT SUGGESTIONS:

To your enemies, FORGIVENESS
To an opponent, TOLERANCE
To a Friend, YOUR HEART
To a Customer, SERVICE
To ALL, CHARITY
To Every Child, A GOOD EXAMPLE
To Yourself, RESPECT

 AND REMEMBER…

Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

 A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

 If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

 Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

 The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

 One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

 If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless "YOU" do.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime.

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

MERRY NEW YEAR!!!